The Front

Do like to read in the bath? Are you dirty, religious, masochistic, psychotic, or just plain curious? Then step right up and buy a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps 18-in-1 Hemp PEPPERMINT PURE-CASTILE SOAP, truly one of the most uniquely fascinating personal care products on the market today. The first thing anyone will notice about Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap is that every bit of its giant label is covered in miniature messages from Dr. Bronner. Some quote historical figures, others praise the necessity of a unified faith for humanity, others just have encouraging words for the average bather starting their day.

Background

Who is this man? If you are to believe the frenzied text on the label of this soap, it was first created after Dr. Emmanuel Bronner was torture-blinded in 1944. He then deeded his industrial holdings and patents to the 6000 year old African astronomer Abraham. These holdings included Planetemples, 13 different Essene Birth Control Techniques, a gift to mankind in the form of a mineral-boullion, and a “Town without a Toothache.” From here the story becomes less clear, as the Doctor begins referring to himself as being several people and writing only in rhyming verse about the Moral ABC of the All-One-God-Faith, lightning-like strong and we’re All-One! All or None! All-One!

The true story? Dr. Bronner is the only descendent of the ancient Bronner soap-making family who survived the gas chamber at Auschwitz. Fleeing the Nazis to start a new life in America, he decided not only to continue the family business, but also to preach a message of peace and ethics that he called his Moral ABC. While preaching the All-One-God-Faith in Chicago in 1964 he was arrested, ending up in an psychiatric facility. After his third attempt he successfully escaped, fleeing to California. Blending seamlessly into the emerging culture of California in the 1960’s, he began marketing the product we have today. Is it soap covered in moralistic teachings or a religious text posing as soap? It is the ultimate fusion of cleanliness and All-One-Godliness.

The 32. oz ( 0.94 liter) bottle is recommended if you plan on reading Dr. Bronner’s autobiography without a magnifying glass; at this size the font is 1 mm tall.

Physical Properties

The bottle recommends that a ½ oz. of the soap should be dilated in 2 gallons of water. That is a ratio of 1:256. If diluted according to these instructions, a single 32 oz. bottle will magically transform into 64 gallons (242 liters) of soap! That’s enough to fill the the fuel tank of a single engine Cessna 172 Skyhawk airplane! All this soap for the manufacturer’s suggested retail price of $14.99!

For $52.49 a full gallon can be purchased, which is enough to make 512 gallons of soap. That’s nearly 2000 liters! That is so much liquid that it would fill two medium-lift fire-fighting helicopters! This is enough soap for the inhabitants of a small town to stay clean for years after a nuclear war, and a worthwhile investment given the other tasks this product claims to be suited to. According to the bottle this same magic formula has 18 different uses:

It’s not clear why one would use this product on the beach (presumably so that it can take the barnacles off of ships), but it seems obvious that there are fewer than 18 uses listed on the bottle. Dr. Bronner’s label is ever-changing. In the old days it also claimed to be a toothpaste and a spermicidal contraceptive douche. As those are considered medical uses of the product, it would be illegal for these uses to be mentioned today, but the 11th article of the Essene All-One Moral ABC (as written on the label) condemns the overpopulation of God’s Spaceship Earth and warns that we are headed towards an Easter Island-style collapse of civilization scenario.

Elsewhere on the bottle it is indicated that you should rub it on your body at full strength in order to “tingle fresh and clean.” That “tingle” is more like a peppermint fire on your genitals that stays with you after you leave the shower. It is the feeling that I now will forever associate with Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap – simultaneously pleasant and frightening, it is an experience that is impossible to get used to but begs to be repeated. It should be noted that using it in these quantities will likely leave your bathroom smelling like peppermint for the rest of the day. If you are too much of a pussy to handle the awesome power of this personal hygiene product, don’t cry – it’s available in Lavender, Almond, Tea Tree, Eucalyptus, and a “Baby Mild” form of Peppermint. I have tried the Eucalyptus variety, but can not recommend it – you want the mint.

Dr. Bronner’s Today

Though the good doctor passed away in 1997, the company was left in the care of his son, he maintains his father’s style of moralistic business. The company’s 14 employees are supposedly well-treated, and profits from the soap supposedly goes to charity. The company is one of the largest supporters of the industrialized use of hemp in the USA. The soap is organic and fairtrade, blah blah, who cares. This soap is ridiculous, entertaining, and actually good soap.

Besides Castille Soap, Bronner & Co. produce other important household products, such as a rapidly biodegrading hardwood floor cleaner (which looks almost identical to the normal soap), a variety of Tattoo Balms, “Organic Baby Shaving Gel”, and a range of other creams and soap for every dermatological need.

If you don’t care about the soap and are curious about the man himself, there was an award-winning documentary made in 2006 called ‘Dr. Bronner’s Soapbox’ detailing the life of this enigmatic soap-fueled genius. For information about this video and Dr. Bronner’s products, visit http://www.drbronner.com/.

Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps 18-in-1 Hemp PEPPERMINT PURE-CASTILE SOAP: 8.6/10